Can a MIL be a genuine mother?


You would have come across various prose and poetic pieces on various media on ‘Mother’ but have you encounter any write ups or poetry on ‘Mother-in-Law’? We must treat all females of our mother’s age as our own mothers, then where had all the praise vanished for a mother-in-law? We celebrate mother’s day but have you heard of any mother-in-law’s day. It may exist but with a low profile.

When I asked these questions to some of my friends, I got a single reiterated answer; a mother-in-law (MIL) cannot, by any means, replace or match the mother. Surprisingly, even though, the same person is playing both the roles but the differences in the character and the nature creep in automatically by design. Some of the male friends did admit that their MIL showers almost similar affection as their mother but the females unanimously had a single answer and that was in negative.

And, I too felt the difference seeing the females getting such biased treatment by their MIL. Though, not many differences are experienced with father and the Father-in-law by the couples, when it comes to mother and MIL, it turns out to be drastic. This is supported by the well accepted conclusion that, a woman cannot by any reason, treat her daughter and daughter-in-law (DIL) equal. And this is because of the fact that she sets and follows separate rules for her daughter which change radically when it comes to DIL.

A woman wants her daughter to live in all sorts of comforts after marriage but the comfort levels offered by her to her DIL are mostly questionable.

She wants a nuclear family for her daughter so that she doesn’t over-burden herself by serving the in-laws in a joint family after marriage but she expects her DIL to serve the entire clan. She imparts ‘special wisdom’ to her daughter on how to handle the in-laws diplomatically but expects her DIL to be simple and truthful.

She wants house maids for her daughter in her in-laws place but she expects her DIL to be superwoman who can singlehandedly complete all the tasks, including cooking, cleaning, washing etc. DIL are, in general never relieved from work to spend some leisurely moments.

She wishes to be in touch with her daughter through phone etc. when she is in her in-laws house but feels irritated when her DIL’s mother calls.

For her, daughter’s husband is responsible for all the faults or quarrels in the house, but her son remains the most innocent person on earth. She also holds responsible her daughter’s MIL for any dispute in their house but she always targets her DIL for all the disputes in her house.

She wishes her daughter’s MIL behave like a real mother but she never takes any step for becoming the same for her DIL. She expects new clothes, jewellery etc. for her daughter at special occasions but never thinks of gifting such things to her DIL.

She hardly cares for her DIL during pregnancy but expects the in-laws of her daughter to take care of everything during her daughter’s pregnancy. She explains the entire diet chart to her daughter over phone but hardly reveals anything to her DIL during pregnancy. Some over-biased mothers send fruits and nuts to her daughter but seldom provide such comfort to their DIL. For her daughter, giving birth to either a boy or a girl is OK, but she like an orthodox uneducated woman, expects her DIL to give birth only to a son! 

She wants her daughter to come to her place anytime as her wish and remain there but feels annoyed when her DIL expresses similar wishes.

She wants complete freedom for her daughter as far as wearing the clothes, eating habits or discipline is concerned, but she imposes all sorts of rules and regulations for her DIL.

She keeps assisting her daughter and feels proud of her achievements but most of the times doesn’t get pleased by her DIL success. If her daughter is a working woman, she gets worried of her comfort levels after office hours, but if her DIL is a working woman, she expects her to take care of all the household activities after coming from office. An exclusive example of double standards people possess.

There are many such examples which are too disgraceful to be discussed but still experienced by many females after their marriage. And then the questions arise, how is it possible for a woman to maintain dual character? Why is that a woman doesn’t understand another woman? Why a woman feels happy in torturing other woman? Why a MIL forgets the fact that she also was once a newly wed DIL. She also must have faced similar challenges and problems then why doesn’t she want her DIL life to be smooth and simple? Why she can’t let the DIL feel ‘at home’? Why can’t she create such an environment that her DIL’s forgets her original family?

There may be few DILs who possibly consider the above statements as wrong. I wish it should have been. As keeping DIL happier may, by the law of nature, keep daughter’s life also happier. MILs are also humans, so are the DILs. So, this plea is to every MIL, please embrace your DIL like your own daughter and shower her with all your love and affection so that DIL should start doubting if she was born to you or to someone else? Days never remain the same always, but making them favourable depends on our own acts and deeds. What you sow, so you reap theory applies everywhere. If we understand this truth in time, our life on planet earth will become easier.

16 thoughts on “Can a MIL be a genuine mother?

  1. Nice reflection of the contrast that women face in two different roles.I think it is the first article coming from your side,great!
    Well in our punjabi families this is nice that daughter in laws are given the same treatment as daughters and the best part is that daughter in laws fight with their mother in laws just the way they do with their mothers and this is really worth learning.
    Moreover I also feel that some girls are also biased in treatment when it comes to attending their mother in laws,it is really sad…I think any girl will beat me after reading

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am also a Punjabi daughter and Punjabi daughter in law and my mother loves me a lot and it is directly proportional to hatred bestowed by mother in law. Infact all the instances you used for an evil mil are apt for mine. I was a working woman when she came with fil to live with us and she made my life pure hell on purpose. Asked me to wash the clothes myself without the help of maid to the extent that asked me to put lesser detergent since her son earns after lot of hard work and I used to get groceries from groffers and paying for that detergent.. Lol. Made me cry in front of the maid, used to threaten me to call mom and complaint and threatened me to not to tell anything to son saying konsa kisne record Kia hai. Add to that when I countered my husband about it, he said every mil corrects daughter way of life, you must have been wrong and keep your stuff to yourself. I used to wish not to wake up. I felt so anath that no words could explain that pain. It’s the most poisonous relationship I have. And the list of her tortures are endless, mentioning them would be a waste of time. Such a manipulative bitch. Infact she’s the reason I started writing last year, for I felt so helpless and had no place I could voice my opinion.
    My mother taught me​ how to speak but his mother taught me how to not speak but write and sleep.. LOL

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for your blog…on my blog….though it was for your literary best…it was a literal torture…I don’t understand what the husbands do in such scenario….they had married and brought a person from a different world….to their world….for what? Can’t they be with her….it is their duty and responsibility to support their wife…and if it is against their mother…they need to handle the case diplomatically…for a win-win situation….I also don’t understand …why a woman need to behave all together different….this is the main reason why today’s women want to be a working women…so that they are at least off from the drama….and also feed the family appropriately….so that the mouths of the in laws are shut….

      Liked by 2 people

      • Agree but it is believed that almost every woman has to bear with it and keep calm and men must try to protect the honour of his wife even within the four walls but as they laugh about it that everyone is not bahubali enough to say that wife is true in front of the mother. And I actually used to look forward to going to office during their stay and my mom dad used to say they wish that weekend doesn’t come or else they would be getting those torture messages from me … LOL
        Everyone has to fight their own demons after all and nobody has it easy. MILs forget the power of karma and it does come back to them in one form or the other. But plus point is that I learned to ease out my pain by writing and now I don’t look up to anyone to be my shield. Although it doesn’t come as a comfort but the fact is that many women I know have been through this.
        Your post was a very thought provoking one !!

        Liked by 1 person

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